I cannot believe that is has been over two years since I last updated this blog. While I share a lot on social media, this is a space I often found myself being more vulnerable – and maybe that is the problem. Because, who really wants to be vulnerable? At least, who really wants to be openly vulnerable? We all, after all, are vulnerable whether we want to admit it or not.
Last Sunday, a message was preached that has stuck with me. Honestly, it was a hard message to hear – and I was supremely irritated that I was on the second row at church and almost busted out crying during the sermon. I did not, but I’m pretty sure it was only by will alone – and also possibly because I was squeezing my own hand, super uptight, and tense. But I want to remember it. So here I am, dusting off the old blog, and reminding myself that there is strength in vulnerability.
Sometimes I go to church and it is like the message was prepared after reading my mail – all up in my business. In this case, I could not hide it because I had written on Facebook just an hour or so before church about how Christmas wasn’t always my favorite holiday, due to the fact that it was not an especially joyful time in my house growing up. It only became my favorite holiday when I was able to start helping others at Christmas.
As the message started, our pastor was talking about how growing up he and his sister loved Christmas because they always had the expectation that they would have something waiting for them on Christmas morning – and how he realized that it wasn’t that way for everyone. And how sometimes our trust in the Lord is colored by our disappointments with people in life. We wonder if we are seen. Whoa. That was hard. It cut to my heart in a way that hadn’t happened in a while. Especially as he went on to talk about how we allow ourselves to believe that where we are is good enough. We don’t need anything else. Or even hope for anything else. Sweet Lord, by this point, I was wholeheartedly wishing the sermon was finished so that I could rush out of the church. I was wishing I had stayed on my row third from the back. What was I thinking moving up? Clearly I am not a front of the church person.
I began to ask myself when was the last time I allowed myself to hope with breathless anticipation? In all areas of life? You see, I have no doubt that the Lord has been faithful – and that His provision has seen me through – but there are some areas I have found it hard to pray over. I have found it hard to believe – not that He can do something for me, but that He will. This is just me being honest on a Sunday night. I doubt I’m alone. Maybe there are others, who like me, find it very easy to trust in some areas – and yet act as if He is not interested in all areas. I keep that part to myself saying that He has already done so much, that there isn’t reason to bring it all to Him.
I think this message was so hard, because it wasn’t for the person dealing with forgiveness or bitterness or being malcontent – rather it was speaking to a person who feels happy and even thankful, but has not allowed themselves to feel that anticipation for great things in all areas for a long time. It was speaking directly to me. To understand that it is not more faith that is needed, but a higher level of expectation. It is knowing that you can place your hopes and dreams safely into the hands of the One that has never disappointed.
It’s a week later, and that message won’t leave me alone. It has sat within my spirit all week. There is a building anticipation that is taking place within my heart – and to be honest, it kind of scares me a little bit. It’s like standing on top of a high dive logically knowing that you can jump and it will be okay, but having to overcome the inherent desire to go back down the stairs and ease into the pool.
So here I am, Lord. A little nervous, but a lot excited. Ready to give it all to You and believe. With breathless anticipation.
This is a beautiful life.
restlesslycontent 