Last Friday night, I stood on a football field in front of a crowd of people to escort my son for Senior Night.  While cameras flashed, and people looked on, I smiled and did my best not to tear up thinking about how quickly we had come to that moment.  Yet, that moment showed me something about myself. Something I didn’t even notice until the next day.

As with every occasion now, images are uploaded to Facebook and shared on Instagram almost immediately. If you know my family, we fully believe in digital documentation, so if you’re around you better believe we’re getting a picture of it. Selfies, group pictures, wefies (or whatever that made up word was), photo bombs, sometimes staged photobombs….trust me, these women believe in the camera phone. Our conversations include disclaimers to not tag us in any pictures without prior approval. And part of that is with good reason – some people just share everything. I hesitate to think of how many times my unsuspecting face is out on the internet as a part of someone’s background shot. Let’s be real, I’m not known for being able to school my features, so those shots probably clearly show whatever it is I was thinking at the time.

Friday night there were a lot of pictures taken – and I’m not just talking about face close-ups, but full body shots. Video from far off showed us standing on the field. I looked at all these, uploaded them or was tagged in them….and then it occurred to me.  Not once did I look at any of those pictures and think about how I needed to lose weight.  I didn’t point out my chins, or the wrinkles on my face, or the width of my hips. I didn’t shake my head and think about all the low carb options I had passed up, and the gym membership that hasn’t seen use in a while. I didn’t sit down to count weeks until graduation and figure out how much weight I could lose.

Without realizing it, I viewed myself the same way I’d view someone I dearly love.

I saw a genuine, eye crinkling, smile. Eyes that couldn’t hide how proud I was of the young man I have helped raise.  I saw a picture of me and my friend on a field, both smiling through our own emotions. Both understanding just what that moment meant. It’s a picture I will cherish. There was a selfie with my best friend that we laughed about because it was a “one take selfie” – and that doesn’t usually happen because one of us shakes and the picture is blurry.  My sisters. My sister friends. It was a night to celebrate.

Then something else occurred to me. Often we get caught up in believing that the size of our pants or the smoothness of our skin determines our value.  True, we might not say that, we might not even consciously think it, but we sure do act like it. We hide from cameras, crop pictures down to showcase only what we think is the best, and say things like “I have to lose weight” or “I need to lose weight.” The truth is, everyone who loves you already knows what you look like and they love you.  And while it might be hard to believe, you don’t actually have to lose weight.  I am not saying there aren’t benefits to being healthy, but really being healthy encompasses so much more than the size of your pants or dress.

You see, being a smaller size or having a more youthful look, would not have made me one bit happier or more proud on Friday night. It wouldn’t make my strengths stronger or my struggles less.  It wouldn’t make me smarter and it wouldn’t give me more compassion. Those things alone would not do anything except make my pants smaller, and my face less lined. Truly.

Weeks before today, I had chosen today to make sure my food was prepped again, and to get back exercising.  I was realistic enough these last weeks to know that my life would pretty much look like going from one thing to the next until we got close to the end of football season. It has been a busy season. Yesterday, I took time and prepped food for the week; healthy, homemade choices. Yet, I realized – there’s a big difference in telling yourself you have to lose weight and reminding yourself that you want to do something. For you. Just because. Maybe that goal is to run a 5k. Maybe that goal is a pair of jeans. Maybe it’s to be able to keep up with your kids. Whatever it is – it has to be for you. But along the way….

Take pictures. Get in the picture. Love yourself exactly where you are in this moment. Know that one day, when my grandkids or great grandkids look at the pictures from this weekend, they won’t see that I needed to lose weight. Who knows what they’ll see? Maybe they’ll see a smile that looks like theirs. Maybe someone down the line has my eyes and they have wondered where those blue eyes came from. Maybe they’ll look at the picture of their dad and grandpa and see how much they look like him. Maybe they’ll think of me and just remember me…..not what I looked like on the outside, but who I was on the inside. Maybe they’ll think of warm cornbread and even warmer hugs. Maybe they’ll see that smile and hear me laugh in their minds. Maybe they’ll get to a Senior Night of their own, and realize just what that moment meant for a mama, because they are one, too.

There are a lot of things they might see, but I can almost guarantee that not a one will wonder what size my dress was, or if I should have started moisturizing my face ten years ago. They might finally realize where they got their crazy bad bangs from though.  Goodness…I cannot keep that hair doing what it should. haha!  I digress….

This life is a beautiful one. It’s filled with so many people and experiences that mesh to make us exactly who we are in this moment. This moment is the only one we are guaranteed – and I plan to continue to remind myself to view myself the way I would view someone I love dearly….not without flaws, but all part of the person I love. And that, to me, is beautiful.