Sometimes, when you least expect it, life hands you a reminder – a beautiful reminder…

Since I was 19 I have made my way in this world without parents. It’s something I write about occasionally, but it’s not something I talk about a lot.  A little while back a casual acquaintance made the statement: You know, when you’re having a bad day and you just have to call your mom?

I smiled, and nodded my head, but the truth is – no, I don’t know what that’s like.  I’ve never had a bad day and called my mom.  I can’t relate with father/daughter relationships. There isn’t a person somewhere tearing up thinking about their daughter and far she has come. Or looking at my son and remembering me at that age. That wasn’t to be. While most days pass without thinking about it, because this is my life and the way it is….there are days.  You might think it’s the holidays, but really it’s everyday moments. When I finally finished my degree.  As we approach Senior Night. Wondering if JD feels that he is missing out by not having another set of grandparents. Knowing there is no way I could have changed it, but still feeling guilty in a way that I can’t provide that for him. When I’m sitting one more time at the tire store.  Today.

I was heading home, and it was on my mind. Instead of thinking about all the things I could have missed out on, I reminded myself of the things this life has taught me.  And just when I needed it most – Dierks Bentley’s song “Riser” came on and it reminded me. It is true that I had to learn early how to navigate this life without the anchor of parents. Yet, it made me realize at a young age just what kind of parent I wanted to be. It has pushed me to make certain JD never wonders if his mama is proud of him. There have been times I’ve scraped by, but I have picked myself up each time, dusted myself off, and moved forward with a new plan. I’ve learned to love myself and to be able to remind myself of what I am capable. I think it has allowed me to be able to forgive more quickly – because life is much too short to spend it holding on to the hurt. It’s too short to live very long in “what ifs.” And goodness if it hasn’t taught me to pray and rely on the Lord.

I pulled up in the drive way, and checked my mail.  In it, I saw a package from my friend, Dee, in Texas.  Imagine my surprise when I opened it and the note attached was for JD. It was an old music book she found and thought he’d enjoy.  I stood in my kitchen with tears running down my face, reading the note about how she enjoyed watching his shows, and how she was praying for him to find the right college. While that was for JD, Dee has no way of knowing how much I needed that for me.

I also checked the package again and noticed it was addressed to him.  Oops.  haha.

Here’s the thing – life gives us all things we have to deal with. It gives us all moments where we wish for something that wasn’t to be. But if we’ll let it, it will also remind us of how beautiful it is just the way it is right now. While some of this journey I wouldn’t want anyone else to ever have to walk through, I wouldn’t trade it either. It made me who I am, and for that I am thankful.

It is a beautiful life.